How can people do power naps? If I try to nap less than 8 hours I wake up filled with RAGE!

I'm at a veggie raw foods restaurant with my laptop. Everyone is glaring at me because I think you're supposed to bring books here, or checkers.

I spend a lot of time thinking of awkward dates that never worked out and how funny it would be if I just called the guy out of the blue like, 'hey sorry I haven't called, I've been so busy' or the even more delusional 'Just got out of the shower, did you call?' after like 6 months of no contact.

I just paid $160 to make copies for this stupid customer presentation tomorrow. I'm pretty sure that would feed a lot of starving children, but it's also very important we have single-sided color copies of slides that attendees can already see on the screen.

This morning a woman at the store slipped on water and toppled right below my feet with her shopping basket and everything. I started laughing- it just looked so awkward! Off to hell.

Why do older people in my class think it's acceptable to yell, 'BABIESSSS' when there is any mention of me being under 30? It's not like I shout, 'GEEZERS!' when their age comes up.

Why can't I carry on a normal conversation? Like when a guy tells me he moved to Seattle from Wisconsin, I can't just ask why, I have to say something like, 'Are you a wanted midwest pedophile on the run?' Who responds well to comments like that? I'm the worst.

I'm having a really good eyelash day, but only on my right lashes. The left lashes are pointing all over the place. Shit! Guess I gotta keep the wink going throughout the night.